HILARIOUS JOKE 009 Funny Jokes

Short Dirty Jokes

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Q: what's the distinction between a scientist and a philosopher?
A: The scientist solely wants paper, pencil, and a trash {can|garbage can|wastebin|ash bin|ash-bin|ashbin|dustbin|trash barrel|bin} for his work - the thinker can do while not the trash barrel.

Q: what's non-orientable and lives within the ocean?
A: Mobius Dick.

Q: what's the distinction between a pH.D. in arithmetic and an outsized pizza?
A: an outsized dish will feed a family of 4

Q: however will a scientist induce sensible behavior in her children?
A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'

Q: what's the world's longest song?
A: "Aleph-nought Bottles of brewage on the Wall."

Q: however does one decision the most important accumulation purpose of poles?
A: Warsaw!

Q: however does one apprehend once you've got reached your mathematics Professors voice-mail?
A: The message is "The variety you have got dialed is notional. Please, rotate your phone by ninety degrees and check out once more..."

Q: what's normed, complete, and yellow?
A: A Bananach house...

Q: What did two tell four when two beat him during a race?
A: two quick four U!

Q: What did the mathematician's parrot say?
A: A poly "no meal"

Q: Why dont individuals place the numbers two,3, and zero together?
A: as a result of they're 2 turdy.

Q: What did one mathematics book tell the other?
A: do not hassle Maine I've got my very own problems!

Q: however does one teach a blonde math?
A: cypher her garments, divide her legs, and root her.

Q: what's the definition of a polar bear?
A: an oblong bear when a coordinate transformation

Teacher: Why area unit you doing all of your multiplication on the floor?
Student: You told Maine to not use tables.

A calculator she wished...the natural rhythm of my log she got.

MATH stands for Mental Abuse To Humans.

Dear Math,
I am not a healer...
Solve your own problems!

Applying For employment

There area unit 3 individuals applying for constant job. One may be a scientist, one a statistician, ANd one an controller.

The interviewing committee initial calls within the scientist. they assert "we have just one question. what's five hundred and 500?" The scientist, while not hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls within the statistician.

When the statistician comes in, they raise constant question. The statistician ponders the question for an instant, so answers "1000... i am ninety fifth assured." he's then conjointly thanked for his time and sent on his approach.

When the controller enters the space, he's asked constant question: "what is five hundred and 500?" The controller replies, "what would you prefer it to be?"

They rent the controller.

Statisticans looking

Two statisticians go bird looking. the primary one fires at the bird however overshoots by five feet. The second fires and undershoots the bird by five feet. They each offer one another a motion and say "Got it!".

Newlyweds

A better half husband is discouraged by his wife's obsession with arithmetic. petrified of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: "Do you're keen on mathematics quite me?"
"Of course not, expensive - i like you abundant more!"
Happy, though sceptical, he challenges her: "Well, then prove it!"
Pondering somewhat, she responds: "Ok... Let letter of the alphabet be larger than zero..."

Airport Security

A stats prof plans to jaunt a conference by plane. once he passes the protection check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he's hauled off straight off for interrogation.
"I do not perceive it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're AN accomplished skilled, a caring married man, a pillar of your parish - ANd currently you wish to destroy that each one by reprimand an airplane!"
"Sorry", the prof interrupts him. "I had ne'er supposed to amplify the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you are attempting to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let Maine justify. Statistics shows that the likelihood of a bomb being on AN aeroplane is 1/1000. that is quite high if you're thinking that regarding it - thus high that i would not have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what will this need to do with you conveyance a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the likelihood of 1 bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the possibility that there area unit 2 bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the possibility of another bomb being around is truly 1/1000000, and that i am abundant safer..."

George W Bush

George W. Bush visits Democratic and Popular Republic of Algeria.
As a part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You apprehend, I regret that I actually have to present this speech in English. i'd substantially favor to see you in your own language. however sadly, i used to be ne'er sensible at pure mathematics..."

Catholic faculty

A father United Nations agency is extremely abundant involved regarding his son's unhealthy grades in mathematics decides to register him at a Catholic school. when his initial term there, the son brings home his report card: he is obtaining "A"s in mathematics.
The father is, of course, pleased, however needs to know: "Why area unit your mathematics grades suddenly thus good?"
"You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the room the primary day, and that i saw that guy on the wall nailed to a sign, I knew one thing: This place means that business!"

Ham Sandwich

If a sandwich is healthier than nothing and zip is healthier than Life, itself, will that mean that a sandwich is healthier than Life itself?

Wife or Girlfriend

A scientist, a scientist and a man of science discuss what's better: a married person or a girlfriend.
The physicist: "A girlfriend. you continue to have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A married person. you have got security."
The computer scientist: "Both. once i am not with my married person, she thinks i am with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's the other way around. and that i is with my laptop while not anyone distressing Maine..."

Vacation

A scientist, AN engineer, and a man of science area unit leisure along. they're riding during a automobile, enjoying the rural area, once suddenly the engine stops operating.
The mathematician: "We came past a filling station some minutes agone. somebody ought to return and invite facilitate."
The engineer: "I ought to have a glance at the engine. Perhaps, I will fix it."
The computer scientist: "Why do not we have a tendency to simply open the doors, slam them shut, and see if everything works again?"

Little Boy

Son: "My mathematics teacher is crazy".
Mother: "Why?"
Son: "Yesterday she told U.S. that 5 is 4+1; these days she is telling U.S. that 5 is three + two."

Girlfriend

"What happened to your girlfriend, that actually cute mathematics student?"
"She now not is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on Maine."
"I do not believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, one or two of nights agone I referred to as her on the phone, and he or she told Maine that she was in bed wrestling with 3 unknowns..."

Descartes

So Descartes goes into a bar late one night for a brewage.
At hour, the barkeep makes Last decision and asks him, "Get you another?"
Descartes replies, "I assume not." And disappears.

Funny faculty Jokes:

Q: Why did the coed throw his be careful of the college window?
A: He wished to ascertain time fly.

Q: Why do they ne'er serve brewage at a mathematics party?
A: as a result of you cannot drink and derive...

Q: What does one say once you area unit comforting a descriptive linguistics nazi?
A: There, Their, They're

Q: what is another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: Why did the coed take a ladder to school?
A: as a result of he/she was progressing to high school!

Q: what's Grammar?
A: The distinction between knowing your shit, and knowing you are shit.

Q: What 3 candies are you able to realize in each school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.

Q: what is a teacher's favorite nation?
A: Expla-nation.

Q: Why did not the skeleton visit the college dance?
A: He did not have anybody to require. (any BODY)

Q: Why did not the quarter avalanche hill with the nickel?
A: as a result of it had a lot of cents.

Q: what is the distinction between a dead prostitute and school?
A: faculty still sucks!

Q: What happened to the plant in mathematics class?
A: It grew sq. roots.

Q: What does one decision a riant jar of mayonnaise?
A: LMAYO

Q: what's a proof?
A: half % of alcohol.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the moebius strip?
A: to induce to constant aspect.

Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: as a result of she could not management her pupils?

Q: Why could not the moebius strip enrol at the school?
A: They needed AN orientation.

Q: however did the earth science student drown?
A: His grades were below C-level

Q: What will a scientist do regarding constipation?
A: he's employed it out with a pencil.

Q: Why may be a mathematics book continuously unhappy?
A: as a result of it continuously has several issues.

Q: Why do not you are doing arithmetic within the jungle?
A: as a result of if you add 4+4 you get ate!

Q: Why is half dozen petrified of 7?
A: as a result of seven eight nine

Q: what's a chalkboard's favorite drink?
A: hot chalk-olate!

Q: What does one get once you combine sulfur, tungsten, and silver?
A: SWAG

Q: What did the fish say once he hit the wall?
A: Dam!

Q: however will a mathematics prof propose to his fiance?
A: With a polynomial ring!

Q: what is the longest word within the dictionary?
A: Rubber-band -- as a result of it streches.

Q: If water is that the formula for water, what's the formula for ice?
A: water cubed.

Q: however will Juliet maintain a relentless body temperature?
A: Romeostasis

Q: Why did the person visit the tanning salon?
A: as a result of he was a man of science.

Q: Why wasn't the mathematics teacher at school?
A: as a result of she sprained her angle!!

Q: what's the foremost titillating number?
A: 2110593!
Q: Why?
A: once two area unit one and do not pay at10tion, they're going to apprehend inside five weeks whether or not or not, when nine months, they're going to be three.

Q: what's the distinction between a scientist and a philosopher?
A: The scientist solely wants paper, pencil, and a trash {can|garbage can|wastebin|ash bin|ash-bin|ashbin|dustbin|trash barrel|bin} for his work - the thinker can do while not the trash barrel.

Q: what's non-orientable and lives within the ocean?
A: Mobius Dick.

Q: what's the distinction between a pH.D. in arithmetic and an outsized pizza?
A: an outsized dish will feed a family of 4

Q: however does one decision the most important accumulation purpose of poles?
A: Warsaw!

Q: What does one decision a instructor with problems?
A: a trebled man.

Q: however did the custodian Die?
A: HE Kicked the bucket

Q: what's the quickest thanks to verify the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.

Q: Did you hear they are dynamical the flooring in childcare centers?
A: they are vocation it infant-tile!

Q: What does one get once you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?
A: two quick two Curious

Q: What gets white because it gets dirty?
A: flat solid

Q: Why did the instructor want a ladder?
A: to achieve the high notes.

Q: What does one decision the leader of a biology gang?
A: The Nucleus

Q: Why did the 2 4's skip lunch?
A: They already eight (ate).

Q: Name a bus you'll ne'er enter?
A: A info

Q: What did the mathematician's parrot say?
A: A poly "no meal"

Q: Why do chemistry professors prefer to teach regarding ammonia?
A: as a result of it's basic material.

Q: If H20 is water what's H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .

Q: What did one mathematics book tell the other?
A: do not hassle Maine I've got my very own problems!

School is pointless. English: we have a tendency to speak it. History: they are dead. Math: we've got calculators. Spanish: we've got Dora.

If faculty is not an area to sleep then home is not an area to review.

I would like faculty was as simple as 0.5 the ladies in it.

That awkward moment once AN emo child goes to McDonald's and orders a contented Meal.

Hey Google, why don`t you sit next to Maine throughout my exam?

If sleep is admittedly sensible for the brain, then why is it not permissible in school?

If you create a camp to assist children with attention deficit disorder, then is it a degree camp?

If an image is price a thousands words, then why should not we have a tendency to choose a book by its cover?

To steal concepts from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from several is analysis.

My school assignment brings all the Asians to the yard, and they are like, "It wasn't that tough."

That awkward moment once you visit a replacement faculty and do not get a lamia man.

2 belongings you will learn in school: Texting while not trying and cooperation on tests.

C.L.A.S.S. = return Late and begin Sleeping

M.A.T.H. = Mental Abuse to Humans

S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven lousy Hours Of Our Life
S.C.H.O.O.L. = Sucks Children's Happiness Out Of Life

Did you hear chemical element and metal got together?
OMg!

Teacher: If a chicken offer you meat, a pig offer you bacon, what will a fat cow offer you?
Student: HOMEWORK!

Teacher: "Why area unit you talking throughout my lesson?"
Student: "Why area unit you teaching throughout my conversation?"

Teacher: "Simon, are you able to say your name backwards?"
Simon: "No Mis."

Mom: What did you learn in school?
Son: Not enough I actually have to travel back once more tomorrow.

Teacher: however will we have a tendency to keep the college clean?
Student: By staying reception.

Teacher: what's irony?
Student: "Irony is once one thing has the chemical image atomic number 26."

(1) Say "Eye"
(2) Spell the word "Map"
(3) Say "Ness".

SCHOOL: two + two = four.
HOMEWORK: two + four + two = eight.
EXAM: Matthew has four apples, his train is seven minutes early, calculate the sun's mass.

Catholic faculty

Library

A Texan was visiting university, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you recognize wherever the library is at?"
"I sure do," replied the coed, "But, you know, you are not alleged to finish sentences with prepositions."
"What?"
"Prepositions. You terminated your sentence with AN 'at', that you are not alleged to do."
"Oh, ok," aforementioned the Texan, "Do you recognize wherever the library is at, asshole?"

Grammar walks into a Bar

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave

A comma splice walks into a bar, it's a drink so leaves.

A modifier walks into a bar. when finishing a drink, the barkeep asks it to go away.

A Question mark walks into a bar?

Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar.

A deverbal noun ANd an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink.

The bar was walked into by the voice.

The past, the current, and also the future walked into a bar. it absolutely was tense.

A synoynm ambles into a taphouse.

A deverbal noun ANd an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.

A figure altogether ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.

A run on sentence walks into a bar it's thirsty.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the rhetorical device folded to the bar floor.

A group of homophones cooking pan lodge 2 a bar.

Human Body

The teacher asks, "Flora, what a part of the figure will increase 10 times once excited?"
Flora blushes and says, "That's wicked, I will not even answer that question."

The teacher calls on Johnny: "What a part of the figure will increase 10 times once excited?"
"That's simple," says grayback. "It's the pupil of the attention."
"Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct."

She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you did not do your school assignment. Second, you have got a grimy mind. And third, you are sure a giant disappointment."

Applying For employment

George W Bush

Bathroom

Boy: am i able to visit the bathroom?
Teacher: as long as you'll say the alphabet
Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
Teacher: Where's the p?
Boy: "Half approach down my leg."

Little Boy

Son: "My mathematics teacher is crazy".
Mother: "Why?"
Son: "Yesterday she told U.S. that 5 is 4+1; these days she is telling U.S. that 5 is three + two."

Wife or Girlfriend

Girlfriend

Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.
His Personal Psychic consultant tells him, "You area unit progressing to meet a pretty lass United Nations agency can need to grasp everything regarding you."
The frog is excited, "This is great! can I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his consultant, "in her class."

Prostitute

Teacher: Describe atomic number 1
Student: it's a prostitute part
Teacher: United Nations agency instructed you that?
Student: You aforementioned it doesn't belong to a selected cluster and it reacts with most the weather within the tabular array.

Water

Teacher: what's the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: that is not what I instructed you.
Student: however you aforementioned the formula for water was...H to O.